new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
