Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
