like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
