Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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