Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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