Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
