just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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