The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
