i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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