everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
