Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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