True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
