I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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