I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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