Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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