He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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