You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
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You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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