the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
