I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
