did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
