I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
