I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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