Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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