im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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