I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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