You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
