You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
