god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
