When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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