In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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