just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
