All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
