No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
