I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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