Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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