im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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