I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
