after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
