So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
