Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
