I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
