Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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