my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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