I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
i've created a new STD.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
