Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
