If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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