he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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