I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
