If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
