I just cut my nipple shaving
Small penises have feelings too.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
