apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize