Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
