At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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