dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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