i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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