Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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