When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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