Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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