4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
