Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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